Arms Wrapped Tightly Around Me

Yes. I made pink macoroni and cheese with my mother and best friend, Jesse. Okay?! Okay.

But on a more serious note, the past blogs that I've written were a long time ago, and to tell you the truth, I've grown up A LOT since then. A lot. I wish I could keep up with this thing like I used to, but it's so gosh darn hard when you have everything else...nine classes: seven at school, two online, then RYE is an entire class in itself, teaching myself a brand new language and all the extra crud, piano, guinea pigs, and most importanly, my commitment to Christ. BUT, I can't complain, my life has been the best that it ever HAS been.

November 1, 2009, I completely gave my life to God. I know that He's always had me, but I never knew how incredible and rewarding His love and grace is when you actually seek and accept it. Since then, I've been on a rollercoaster ride, a very good one! Even though being a Christian is NOT easy, not easy at all, I love every minute of it. Inevitably, it's a constant battle within yourself, fighting between your sinful nature and your Holy Spirit led lifestyle. I''ve been in a struggle, a test of faith, but after about a month. A month!! (Which is actually short compared to lots of other stinky struggles people come across) I've finally been able to breakthough a stifling mindset. The dawn is beginning to crack, and the light is beginning to shine yet again!

You see, for a while, I had been doubting myself and my ability to have faith in God. The relationship had become more of a routine, rather than an intimate friendship. I was beginning to worry, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and what I was doing. It seemed no matter how many awesome scriptures I read, I never felt any better. I began to dwell in the problem, to dwell in the questions of "Why? Why am I so dry? Why am I so out of touch with God?" Slowly but surely, the image I had of God was fading to a figure of more sovereignty than love, as though He was looking down on me, from a distance, rather than standing beside me with His arms wrapped tightly around me. My confidence was dwindling along with my God given joy, my motivation to do anything, it was all shattering..

The enemy was becoming triumphant, he was slicing at me from every corner, feelings of sorrow, guilt, frustration, and the most sickening one of all: contentment. I had almost come to accept the fact that this is what life does to you, that things probably weren't going to get better no matter what I did. I was completely oblivious to the fact that opposition was the culprit of these terrible, depressing thoughts and feelings. I almost began to believe that it was God (not to give Him a bad name, but this is what I mean by "sovereignty more than love"). That GOD was the one who was rebuking me, that He was the one who was telling me to suck it up and make some changes in my life or else He was going to cut his grace and presence from me. I thought He was disappointed in me. Even though I thought those things, how could I question them? After all, it WAS God (or so I had thought). Therefore I couldn't question "His motives", because He's obviously God! In the end, one thing led to another, the problem only festered inside of me, and that's all I could hear or focus on.

Until, it was finally one day that I said, "God. Just take it. Take it all. I'm too weak to carry these burdens, I'm too weak to have these things pressing on my heart each and every day. It's degrading my spirit, it's poison. Just take it, let me think of it no more, only let me strive for You. Only allow me to persist in Your will and move forward, rather than have this horrid situation hold me in chains and block my pathway to You." Okay, maybe it wasn't as poetic (but I have noticed hen I talk to Him by myself, I get very King Jamesy and I don't really mean too....XD), but I know when I actually said it, I cried out to Him in the most exasperated voice. It was finally when I let it go, when I let God take control of things, I felt free. I had the dust uncovered from my eyes, and I was able to imagine once more, God, standing right beside me, with His arms wrapped tighly around me. Although the wound is still being mended by my Father, although I still haven't fully recovered, I've finally released that burden. As I said before, The dawn is cracking, and the light is beginning to pierce the darkness!


Yay to God, my Father. I'm so happy and blessed that I'm able to write out this story and have it a happy ending, all the glory to God. I've began to write in my newly acquired "Jesus Journal!", but this battle still doesn't have it's happy ending recorded in it's pages. So that's what I'll do now! :D God bless. ;)